Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.