I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
When ur friends with white people
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die