*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
You Might Also Like
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say