Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language