I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Guantanamo Bae
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.