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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wait a minute
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie