Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.