ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.