When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now