When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You Might Also Like
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: *waves back*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Mom: how about 1 friend
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
No one: I can hear screaming
They did not miss in the small print
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.