When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
They did not miss in the small print
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.