The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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having an heated argument with my toaster.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: You’re leaving us.
Me: Also, why?
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.