@topaz_kell

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

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@JenniferJokes

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

@IamJackBoot

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@TheThryll

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

@dan_rambles_on

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@kevinthedad

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

@EndhooS

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

@UnfilteredMama

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.