Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention