Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!