Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him