ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

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Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first


4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that


4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams


I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.


Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.


“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.


I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*


My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.


son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do