ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?