ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.