My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
crying
Good morning!
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms