Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.