I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.