Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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I’m not stressed
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.