me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Inside you there are two wolves
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues