Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
bought wrong eggs
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut