[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.