4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!