5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Mistakes were made
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Love is in the air fryer.
Passwords are more important than ever.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)