What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Lol.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
WWE is French for “yes”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*