I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Challenge accepted.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Squeak, squeak, squeak!