Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season