We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”


“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun


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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”


*pushes vending machine over



She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?


“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.


[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”


Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?


How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?