@daemonic3

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

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@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@thegreatnanak

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

@justincousson

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

@ACartoonCat

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

@BeerFarts101

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?