We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
this is the best interaction on twitter
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Is this you?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster