If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.