The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
![]()
![]()
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Cow it started Cow it’s going
![]()
![]()
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The days of good grammer has went
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.