The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Damn what did I do next
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery