Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…