[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?