I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now