I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you