Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.