Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

#TopTip

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.