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ME: Oh no.
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
From Facebook just now…
I have so many questions.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*