Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Gods work.