Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.