which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…