If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
was Jim off killing horses or…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead