[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I love twitter