One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans