I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.