“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.