Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
quarantine day 3
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
happy mother’s day❤️
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.