friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
bat life
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?