People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me too door. Me too.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.