Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever