Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known