There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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α΄±
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α΄±*dolphin diving off a cliff*
New mindset, who dis?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, Iβm afraid of the dark
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Carpe DM
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancΓ©βs eyes* yes on dvd
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Worth remembering.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say itβs half full. I ask βAre you going to finish that?β.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Jacob Marley: Youβll be visited by 3 ghoβ
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*