My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
こいつ天才
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
how to market bottled water to dads
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane