Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.