me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
the #horror is real!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.