You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”