hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
![]()
You Might Also Like
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.![]()
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
![]()
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
2022 will be better than 2021
![]()
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Just a friendly reminder!
![]()