hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.