hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Respect
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?